


it's my own desire (it's my own remorse)

by chemicalpixie



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Dark, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, dark!Padme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-29 00:52:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11429751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chemicalpixie/pseuds/chemicalpixie
Summary: “the emperor breathes his last, rattling breath on the senate floor. padme stands behind him for a moment, her head bowed, before stepping forward and saying, “my name is padme amidala, and i will take emperor palapatine's place.” the senate is still. “you may address me as empress amidala,” she adds, when no one moves.”or; the au where padme becomes the villain.





	it's my own desire (it's my own remorse)

**Author's Note:**

> let's see how many fics i can finish in one 24 hour period; this one has been in my wips for months and i'm on a roll rn. this fic began when i was talking about the prequels with someone (the prequels are my favorite star wars trilogy, or at least, they are in my head where they are _better_ ) and realized how emotional anakin is. and padme is cool, collected, a diplomat and a political, and my theory is if she was the “big bad” of the original star wars trilogy, she would've kicked luke's ass and gone on to rule the galaxy. so this fic was born. 
> 
> the title is from lorde's cover of “everybody wants to rule the world”. anyways, please kudos/comment if you enjoy, and thank you for reading!

anakin stands in front of her, his hands reaching out towards hers.

“padme, please,” he begs. “we can do this together. we could defeat him. we could rule the _galaxy_ together.” she can tell from his tone of voice that he means it, but she knows that there can only be one ruler of the galaxy, and she knows anakin will not let it be her. his eyes, searching and power hungry, meet hers.

“no, anakin,” she says, and his eyes fill with rage again. and then padme can't _breathe_. she can't think, she can't _b r e a t h e_. and suddenly all the air comes rushing back into her lungs and she falls to the ground, gasping.

“what have you done?” he screams. “you have betrayed me!” obi-wan stands in front of her, his body half-shielding her lying form from harm.

“she has done _nothing_ , anakin,” he says harshly. “she didn't know.”

“of course she didn't,” anakin screams, sarcastically, and she can tell from his tone of voice and the rage in his eyes that he will kill someone. her. he will kill her.

she contemplates laying here, playing dead, and trying to escape with her life and the lives of her children. instead, she stands.

“anakin,” she says. “i'm sorry. please forgive me.” tears are streaming down his face. anakin has always been the emotional one in their relationship. they both know this. it makes him weak. he walks towards her, holds her, kisses her neck.

“of course, my love,” he says. “of course.”

“answer me one question,” she says. “answer me this, and we can rule the galaxy together forever.”

“what is it?” he asks, eager. he is practically begging now.

“do you love me?” she whispers.

“yes,” he responds, and she stabs him in the gut. his blood leaks onto her white dress. he collapses to the ground. obi-wan is sobbing. he takes hold of anakin's other hand. anakin tries to speak, but padme puts her hand gently on his face.

“hush, my love,” she says softly. “it is better this way.”

the light fades out of his eyes slowly. when it is gone, she stands up, addresses obi-wan. “cut off his limbs. throw him in the lava. the emperor is coming. we have to be prepared.”

obi-wan looks up at her. “what have you done?”

“what i had to do,” she answers simply. “now, i command you to cut off anakin's limbs and throw them, and him, into the lava.” obi-wan cries as he does as she orders.

the humming of the emperor's ship alerts her to his presence. tears trickle down her face as she stares pensively into the lava. the emperor marches off the ship, his boots clicking on the ground and he turns to her.

“where is my apprentice?”

padme raises a hand shakily and points to obi-wan, who is standing and weeping by the edge of the lava. “he killed him, emperor. he's dead!” she collapses into sobs, her head in her hands. the emperor walks towards her and she can hear his boots clicking on the ground.

he looks down at her. “i can bring him back, you know.”

she sniffles and looks up at him. “really?”

he smiles and offers her a hand up. “of course.”

she smiles and takes his hand. and then she shoves her other hand with the knife into his stomach. he groans and collapses.

“obi-wan,” she says, brushing her hands together. “come with me. bring that fucker with you.”

he obliges, and lifts the moaning emperor into the air using the force. “where are we going?” he asks.

“i'm going to take palpatine's place and rule the galaxy,” she says as she steps aboard the ship, grinning.

//

the emperor breathes his last, rattling breath on the senate floor. padme stands behind him for a moment, her head bowed, before stepping forward and saying, “my name is padme amidala, and i will take emperor palapatine's place.” the senate is still. “you may address me as empress amidala,” she adds, when no one moves. obi-wan stands behind her, his head bowed. someone boos from the crowd. padme looks at obi-wan. he sighs, steps forward, and suffocates the offender until they are lying on the ground gasping for air. padme grins, and then shoves obi-wan's shoulders, forcing him down on his knees.

“i sentence obi-wan kenobi to death for the murder of my husband, anakin skywalker.” obi-wan's eyes go wide, and padme drags her knife across his throat until the blood from gash across his neck is puddling on the senate floor. padme looks up at the senate again, and no one dares move. she grins.

“may the force be with you,” she says, and turns and walks off the senate floor, leaving bloody footprints behind her as her heels click menacingly on the tile.

//

she gives birth two hours later. it is twins, just as she had predicted. the boy is the smaller of the two, and he has her own soft eyes. he will not become a killer. the girl, she can see, is already full of anakin's rage and fire.

she calls the boy luke and gives him his father's last name. anakin has not secured a legacy that will last, so naming their son after him will not matter. she cannot bear to keep him with her. he is soft, delicate. she can see her younger self in him, can see the girl who still believed in democracy and hope. she will send him to live with his uncle and aunt, will have him told his father was murdered by a man he considered his brother and his mother died in childbirth. what he does not know cannot hurt him.

she names the girl leia, and gives her her own last name. she will raise leia beside her, and tame the fire in her eyes to burn at padme's will. leia will never know want, and she will either avenge padme when she is killed or kill padme to take her throne. padme doesn't mind. one has to earn their power somehow.

she kisses luke on the forehead before entrusting him to a guard who will take him to tatooine. he will be unremarkable there, but he will remain soft and delicate. he will never become hard and sharp like she has had to. he will never be like her. he will never have to be.

//

leia first shows signs of the force when she is three years old. she is playing with a nursemaid when leia convinces the nursemaid to get her more cake from the fridge. padme comes home and scoops up her daughter only to smell the sweet frosting that's smeared on her daughter's cheeks.

“what have you done, my darling?” padme asks, smiling. with leia on one hip, she pins the nursemaid to the wall with the knife she keeps tied to her thigh.

“what have you let her do?” padme hisses, and the nursemaid whimpers.

“she wanted the cake, i didn't want to let her do it, i swear, i'm so sorry,” the nursemaid pleads.

padme removes the knife from the wall and walks away, leaving the shaking nursemaid behind her and bouncing leia on her hip. “you take after you father, my dear,” she says, humming. leia grins at her.

“i'm like daddy!” she says excitedly. her eyes glow in the dim hallway light.

padme smiles at her. “of course you are,” she says. “of course you are.”

//

leia uses the force again when she is seven. padme is in a meeting with her generals when her secretary rushes in.

“empress amidala,” she gasps. “it's leia.”

padme stands up immediately. “meeting adjourned.”

“what is it?” she says, walking out of the building. her secretary rushes to catch up.

“leia has the force, ma'am. she threw another girl across the room today in class. her head has been cracked open, and she's in surgery right now.”

“who?” padme asked, stepping into the ship that will take them to leia's school. “leia or the girl?”

“the other girl, ma'am,” her secretary says, and padme grins in pride.

“that's my girl.”

leia is sitting in a chair that is much too large for her in the headmaster's office, her legs swinging back and forth because they don't reach the floor when padme storms in.

“empress,” the headmaster says.

“what has leia done?” padme asks, in her iciest tone. she can see leia's look of fright out of the corner of her eyes.

“leia and another girl, cree ardell, got into a fight. according to reports, cree shoved leia and leia retaliated by using the force to smashing her into the wall. presumably with the force. she is undergoing surgery currently.”

padme folds her hands in her lap. “why were they fighting?”

the headmaster shakes his head slowly. “i'm afraid leia has refused to tell us. and cree cannot, for obvious reasons.” he smiles as though he has said something funny and nods his head at padme as though he expects her to smile too. she doesn't indulge him, instead choosing to stare icily back at him. it is funny, she thinks, that men still expect her to please them when she talks to them. she stopped doing that long ago, when her husband's body burned in lava and the iron tang of blood and smell of bleach mixed on the senate floor.

padme turns to leia. “why were you fighting?”

leia looks down and then back up at her. “she insulted my father,” leia's eyes are full of fire. “she said that he was evil. and that he deserved what he got.”

“hm,” padme says. “i see. what do you recommend we do?”

“well, normally i'd have a student expelled for fighting, but,” the headmaster rubs his hands together. “considering leia was unaware of her abilities with the force, and of your, ehm, position, i don't think that is an option.”

leia's face is white with fear. “we're leaving,” padme says, grabbing leia's arm. when they are outside of the office, padme looks down at her daughter.

“your father didn't deserve what he got, and you were right to defend him. but you must also learn to keep your emotions in check.”

leia looks up at padme. “really?”

“yes,” padme says. “anakin was a good man, and i loved him very much.”

leia takes padme's hand. “can you tell me more about him?”

“later, my love,” padme says, stepping into the ship that will take her and leia back to their home. “later.”

//

padme chooses to hire tutors for leia rather than send her back to school. it is as much a decision for leia as for her, because she thinks if she has to see that headmaster again, she will slit his throat for no other reason than that he disgusts her. she also has cree's parents executed and cree is sent to become a stormtrooper when she has healed. traitors to the empire often choose to speak out about anakin, rather than her, as though they think that just because he is dead, they can express their dislike for her husband. and it is not too much of a stretch to assume if they hate her husband and what he did, they hate her and what she has done as well. and padme knows that it is better to be safe than sorry.

//

when leia is fourteen, she wakes padme up on one of the only days she has off (she only takes two or three a year, because padme knows that if an empire's leader is not seen, the empire will _fall_ ) to tell her that she has found a lightsaber in one of the boxes in the many empty rooms of their house.

“mama!!” she says in excitement. “whose is it, do you think?”

padme takes it in her hands. there is something familiar in the way it fits in her hands, something comforting about it.

“it was your father's,” padme says, and leia's face breaks out into a grin. “you can have it. i have no use for it, so it seems only fitting it is yours now.”

leia grins at her and kisses her on the cheek. “thank you, mama,” she says, and takes the lightsaber gently back from padme. “i will be careful with it.”

“thank you, my darling,” padme says, and watches leia walk off with the lightsaber, cradling it gently in her arms. she doesn't need to know what her father did with it. she doesn't need to know she will do the same.

//

“on three,” padme says, and leia gets into her fighting stance. her lightsaber flickers on.

“one,” padme says, and leia breathes in, and out. “two,” padme says, and leia's soft face turns into something darker, harder, more dangerous. “three,” she says, and leia lunges. padme doesn't have time to flinch or move out of the way before the first shot comes for her. she blocks, and her sword comes away melted and charred. leia attacks, again and again, aggressive and determined. padme blocks, again and again and again and then - she doesn't. leia's saber slices at her shoulder, and it burns for a moment, but then it doesn't and leia's mask of determination drops and she screams in horror.

“mama!” she cries. “your arm!” padme looks down, and her arm is lying on the ground and her shoulder is a charred stump. “i'm so sorry, mama,” she gasps, tears streaming down her face and her words almost a sob.

padme grins and cups leia's face in her remaining hand. “no, my dear. don't you see? this just means you're strong. you're seventeen and you're stronger than most people will ever be.” padme pulls leia in for a hug. “my strong, strong daughter. my strong, beautiful girl.” leia hugs padme back, and padme grins. this is everything she had wanted leia to be.

//

padme hears rumors the week before leia's seventeenth birthday party. it will be a lavish affair. people from all over the galaxy will attend. the rumors say that someone (a bastard pilot-thief and an unknown and a ex-military wookie) will sabotage the party. it is said that they will crash the party and kill padme and bring her empire to its knees. padme doesn't believe that it is possible for them to do it. she tightens security and does not tell leia of the rumors. she does not need to know.

//

the party begins normally, as though nothing is different. it is just the princess's seventeenth birthday. leia is draped in a shimmering silver gown and her hair is up in two tight double buns, the ones she wears for formal occasions that padme taught her how to make when she was young. padme stands near her throne as leia greets visitors at the door. she would be afraid that they would come, that they would kill leia and take her empire, except that she knows that there are three bodyguards within the crowd, and that leia herself has a beautiful pair of knives hidden in her sleeves. they were padme's gift to her, hand-crafted and forged to look like shimmering silver. they are no lightsaber, this padme knows, but they are beautiful. padme's own knife is strapped to her thigh. let them come, she thinks, because if they come (and if padme knows anyone, she knows rebels. funnily enough, she once thought she was one herself) and they will come, this padme knows, this padme believes with all her heart, they will be prepared.

//

they come. padme does not see the wookie in the company of the two young men. she surmises he is the getaway driver if things go south. one of the men is taller, dark-haired and handsome, and the other is shorter, blonde hair like her own, and it is then that padme _knows_. he has come home to her. she has waited for this day. today is the day one of her children will earn her throne. she has always assumed it will be leia, that luke was too weak to ever leave his uncle and aunt. he has surprised her, and she is glad. perhaps she has two children forged of anakin's rage and fire after all. luke does not even look at her. he does not know. after all, why would he? on the dance floor, he is elegant, dancing with women, but his eyes always stray back to the other man, the one with the dark hair. padme smiles. interesting. she clears her throat, and the dancing stops, then, as she puts her glass of shimmering champagne down on the table. all is silent, all is still, and then, someone screams.

it is leia. the dark haired man has her by the throat, his knife by her neck, and she looks almost afraid. this is something that padme has never seen before. luke stands up, his face twisted into a combination of sadness and rage.

“empress amidala,” he begins, and padme almost croons. how funny it is that he says her name with such a harsh tone? he does not know that her blood which he so despises runs through his body. he can see the smirk on her lips, and clearing his throat, begins again. “empress amidala,” he says, and padme humors him and stops smirking. “you have been an unjust ruler and a tyrant for years. we have come to remove you from the throne on behalf of the resistance.”

the darker haired man adds, “and we will kill your lovely princess if you try anything more.”

leia's eyes widen. padme can see her mouth form the word “mommy” in her fear. padme stands up, and then, luke is holding a blaster pointed right at her.

“no sudden movements, please,” he says, the please afterwards almost automatic. he blushes, embarrassment clear.

“of course,” padme says. “i apologize, luke.” fear sparks in his eyes.

“how do you know my name?” he asks, voice shaking.

“release my daughter and i will tell you,” she says, ever the epitome of diplomacy. luke looks at the other man. the other man looks back at him. he lets leia slide away from him, and leia rushes to padme, rushes to her mother. padme looks at the people.

“clear the room, please,” she says, in a commanding tone. the guests scuttle out, like bugs away from a spider. when they are alone, when it is just the four of them, padme looks level at her son. it has been so many years since she looked into his eyes. they are still soft, still kind. he is not his father. he never will be. leia is her heir, her moon and stars, her daughter, her successor. luke will never be strong enough to rule. he is weak, just like his father was. just like padme used to be.

“luke,” she says, softly. “it has been years since i have said that name. you are my son, luke. you are who i used to be. you could become me,” she says, enticing, and the other man runs to luke. there are tears running down luke's cheeks. the other man tries to wipe them away, but they keep falling. padme ignores them. they are weak, like she was once. luke is weak, and will be. unless. unless. “leia,” she says, and then leia looks at her. she looks into padme's eyes and she knows. she knows. the other man begins to choke, the air pulled out of his lungs. leia's hand grasps at nothing, the force as invisible as ever. luke cries harder, tears streaming, and then he looks up. sees leia, sees padme. and he runs, the blaster he'd had tossed aside for one of the other man's knives. he lunges at leia, who loses her grip on the man, who falls to the floor, choking. the hidden knives are in her hands, and she fights, elegantly, while luke's movements are wild and raging. padme watches them, luke's rage against leia's determination. then she walks over to the man on the ground, careful not to drag her dress in the spilt wine on the floor as she bends over for the blaster. the man is curled in the fetal position, still gasping. padme pulls the safety off the gun, one delicate heeled shoe resting on his chest, aiming it at his head. she fires, and where there was a living man a moment ago, there is now a corpse with a hole burned through his skull. she looks back at her children, and she knows. she knows. this is how she will decide her heir. whichever wins will rule after her.

padme looks away, for a moment. her children are shrouded in moonlight from the skylight, and she thinks, just for a moment, that she can see anakin's force ghost there, in the sky (she'd looked into force ghosts, after anakin died. she wanted him with her, even after she knew he must be gone) and then leia is standing there, her white dress painted a shade of red padme knows all too well. one of her knives is embedded in luke's heart. there is a look on his face of terror. it is a look padme knows all too well. it is the realization that you have gotten yourself in too deep.

padme walks over to leia.

“i'm so proud of you, dear,” she says, and leia smiles. how could padme have ever been so foolish as to think luke would win? leia is her heiress, her daughter, her pride and joy. and padme does not have time to think as leia stabs her in the heart. the pain and pride mingle into one emotion. “why?”

“i love you, mother,” leia says, voice cool. “but you were foolish to ever think luke could be your successor. it has always been me.” padme is not angry. she knew this day would come. she is just glad leia is strong enough. after all, there is one way to build an empire, and that is in blood.

“i’m so proud of you, darling,” padme says, and leia does not cry. leia stands, the two beautiful mirrored knives embedded in the chest of her mother and brother. “this is the way it had to be, darling,” padme says, again trying to comfort her daughter. it is strange, she thinks. she’d thought leia would have cried more.

leia leans down to her mother, her warm hand on padme’s face, and the last thing padme hears (as she’s fading away, she can hear anakin’s voice calling her, she can hear him again, _oh, how she has missed him_ ) is leia’s voice saying “i know.”


End file.
